• Theists Will Drown In A Lake Of Semen

    As an atheist, I think religion is all a bunch of bullshit and yet when religious believers claim that someone can’t get into their imaginary Disney World or will be tortured in their imaginary Guantanamo, it still bothers me. Yeah, I know it is all bullshit anyway, but like all things it is the thought that counts. So let’s have fun with that.

    Not long ago, people were pissed off that the Mormons kept converting dead Jews to Mormonism. Even though it was all bullshit, it was still insulting. So someone came up with a website called, “All Dead Mormons Are Now Gay.” On the website you can find a dead Mormon and convert them to being a homosexual in the afterlife. It’s silly and completely made-up, but then again so are Heaven and Hell.

    Along those same lines, the Church of Satan has recently performed a ritual “Pink Mass” in which they go to the grave of a fundamentalist’s dead relative and pray to Satan that the dead relative becomes gay in Heaven. Two lesbians must kiss on the grave and two gay men must also kiss on the grave and then the deed is done. So far, the Church of Satan has only performed the “Pink Mass” on the grave of Fred Phelps’ mother.

    Obviously, no one takes either of these things seriously. They are jokes, but are they really any different from the Pope telling people that if they follow his Tweets, they will spend less time in Purgatory? If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought that was an Onion.com story. People actually take that seriously. Aside from Purgatory, people also take Heaven and Hell seriously and yet those concepts are completely ridiculous.

    So we should have some fun with ridiculous proclamations about the afterlife too. I want people to think critically about reality and realize that their deity of choice is imaginary. If they continue to believe in deities without testable evidence, I am going to punish them. Effective immediately, all theists will be continually drowned in a lake of cum for all eternity. That sounds way more torturous than fire and brimstone anyway. It just goes to show that theists lack imagination.

    I know that Hell is imaginary and I have zero concern about my imaginary soul being burned in an imaginary lake of fire for all eternity. But I resent the thought behind the threat. With this threat toward theists, they too can understand how atheists feel whenever they talk about Hell or imply it. I wonder how many theists will be outraged that they are doomed to live on in the afterlife for all eternity to be continually drowned in semen.

    Semen is sticky, thick, and a humiliating… especially for religious believers who are often also homophobic. In fact, the homophobic theists will be tortured in a second level in which the lake is filled with the semen of gay guys. So they can think about that as they are drowning to death for all eternity.

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    Category: CatholicChristianityHellPurgatory


    Article by: Staks Rosch

    Staks Rosch is a writer for the Skeptic Ink Network & Huffington Post, and is also a freelance writer for Publishers Weekly. Currently he serves as the head of the Philadelphia Coalition of Reason and is a stay-at-home dad.