Atheist Blogger Redefines Marriage to Exclude Christians

Christian fundamentalists often complain that “secularists” are trying to “redefine” marriage to include the greater LBGT community. Former Senator, presidential dreamer, and all around assclown, Rick Santorum (Google him), even complained that we might redefine marriage to include “man on dog” relations. Interestingly enough, it seems that lately it has been Christians who have been trying to redefine marriage.

First, there are the fundamentalists in Oklahoma who are well on the way to passing a bill that would redefine marriage as a certificate rather than a license. This might seem like no big deal, but what it means is that you have to find a recognized religious leader to marry you instead of being able to go before a judge. Contrary to the internet, atheists can still get married in Oklahoma, but you would have to find someone (likely religious) to marry you. You might be able to get away with a humanist celebrant or a friend who got their “certificate” from the Universal Life Church. On a side note, I became a member of that church in college, so if you are in the Labor Omnia Vincit state (soon to be the Oklahoma-In God We Trust! state) and would like to get married, call me.

Second, the Presbyterian Church just announced that they too are going to change the definition of marriage, but this time they are going to make it inclusive to allow for gays and lesbians to marry. Well, that’s nice of them, but I didn’t realize that they decided these things. And that got me to thinking…

If some group of churches can decide to change the definition of marriage, then why can’t anyone decide to change the definition of marriage? No one voted for these guys to be the keeper of the keys of marriage. Christians don’t have the monopoly on marriage. Their “decision” to no longer fight a losing battle and change the definition of marriage doesn’t have any authority. They usurped authority they don’t actually have and now they are pretending like they are the good guys.

Maybe what they should have done is say that they support marriage equality for everyone and that they are now switching sides and will help fight to make marriage legal for everyone including those in the greater LBGT community across the country. Because until that Oklahoma bill passes all 50 states are still the keepers of marriage licenses. Churches are not and have no power to dictate shit.

Getting to the meat of this story, one atheist blogger (namely me) has also decided to usurp authority that I don’t actually have and declare that the definition of marriage has changed to exclude Christians. That’s right; according to me Christians can no longer get married. I refuse to marry Christians unless they ask me really, really, nicely. Then I might make an exception. 😉

I hereby claim monopoly over the institution of marriage. Seeing no objections, the I’s have it. Motion passes. In the immortal words of Sly Stallone, “I am the law.”