• African Union: We Cannot Ignore The Plight Of Berkshire Any Longer

    The Daily Mail's Cry For Help Has Been Answered

    From lying in bed with the Nazis to modern-day middle classed bigotry, we sure are proud of the Daily Mail.

    Some of you the other side of the Atlantic may not know that the Gulf Stream which predominantly dictates weather as it pushes systems from North and Central America over to Europe, has been stuck. For months. This has meant the cold air from the North American weather issues has met warmer air from Southern Europe and Africa, swirling and causing muchos rain. A lot of rain. For two months. Britain has been in the throes of severe flooding, attacked from internal rain and mental seas and tides.

    Our lovely right-wing newspaper of bigotry and idiocy, the Daily Mail, has been questioning why we continue to give international aid to war-torn, AIDs-ravaged, drought-destroyed countries and areas around the world. Why are we doing that whilst we have our own flood victims to sort out? This false dichotomy has been so superbly taken to pieces in this satirical piece from the Daily Hawk takes the Mail to pieces, and rightly so. It is brilliant. One day we can dream that the Mail won’t exist to torment liberals and misrepresent them whilst grossly misinforming its readership.

    African Union: We Cannot Ignore The Plight Of Berkshire Any Longer

    Responding to popular calls from the Daily Mail and Nigel Farage, African leaders met in Kinshasa yesterday to discuss the growing floods crisis in the United Kingdom.

    ‘The images of knee-high water have shocked us all’, said Congo’s President Kabila, whose nation is currently recovering from the most brutal conflict in recorded history since the Second World War.

    ‘The [Daily] Mail and Mr Farage have made it clear that Britain’s international aid budget, used around the globe to combat AIDS, famine and female genital mutilation, is needed in High Wycombe.

    ‘Well, we can do one better’.

    Governments across the continent have drawn up assistance packages to help the hundreds of Britons forced to sleep in poorly funded community centres, often for days at a time.

    ‘It is unimaginable’, said Kabila before the assembled statesmen in Kinshasa, ‘In Henley-upon-Thames for example, only one in twenty residents are millionaires. Imagine their insurance premiums’.

    Eritrea Has Promised To Provide 103% of GDP To Help UK
    Eritrea Has Promised To Provide 103% of GDP To Help The UK

    Following fears of sandbag shortages at Devon County Council, particularly of that drought-excluder kind, the Islamic Republic of Mauritania has stepped in, offering to drop several thousand sand bags ‘over a wide area’ from strategic bombers. Mauritania, a country which according the UN has between 10% and 20% of its population as slaves, was happy to help.

    ‘Hey, we’re in the Sahara’, said a spokesman for the ruling junta, ‘we’re basically made out of sand!’

    The largest contribution has come from Eritrea. The Red Sea state, whose primary exports include nutmeg and ferrous waste, has promised to match David Cameron’s proposed flood defence fund of £700 million.

    ‘We are more than happy to help’, said Minister Isaias Afwerki, ‘expending our entire Gross National Product to protect Elton John’s Windsor mansion will be the honour of all Eritreans’.

    Alongside state intervention, charities have moved quickly to respond. Professor David Akol of Juba University in Darfur has established Help For The Home Counties.

    IRONY: A Pleasure Yacht Succumbs To The Floodwaters
    IRONY: A Pleasure Yacht Succumbs To The Floodwaters

    ‘Who can put a price on a pair of waders?’ asks Akol in a moving advert currently broadcasting across the continent, ‘For just £159, a Sudanese farmer can give an IT consultant from Surrey a pair of Endura Stocking Foot Protectors. That’s just four months wages to remove dampness from someone’s life’.

    Half a dozen African countries have already offered to back financial aid with boots on the ground to oversee future defences. ‘It is clear’, concluded Kabila, ‘after similar catastrophes in 2000, 2007 and now 2014 that the British government simply lacks the logistical capabilities to stop water coming indoors’.

    Meanwhile Syria’s Assad today announced a cease-fire in his nation’s multi-sided civil war to allow for ‘a whip round’ for Britons who have lost their second homes.

    Category: EnvironmentHumourThe News


    Article by: Jonathan MS Pearce