{"id":247,"date":"2017-07-24T11:51:30","date_gmt":"2017-07-24T18:51:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/skepticink.com\/verycherry\/?p=247"},"modified":"2017-07-24T11:51:30","modified_gmt":"2017-07-24T18:51:30","slug":"introspection-pain-friends-suicide","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/skepticink.com\/verycherry\/2017\/07\/24\/introspection-pain-friends-suicide\/","title":{"rendered":"Introspection: My Pain From a Friend’s Suicide"},"content":{"rendered":"

As most of you know by now, Chester Bennington of Linkin Park died by suicide on July 20. His death date was the birthday of Chris Cornell of Soundgarden, whom he was close friends with. Chris Cornell also died by suicide. The timing and the similarities between the two deaths has made many people\u00a0wonder if Chester\u2019s suicide was partly because of the loss of his friend Chris.<\/p>\n

In 2009, I lost my good friend Bryan. Not only did he die at the young age of 27, he died by suicide. Not only was it a suicide, he jumped off the Chesapeake Bay Bridge \u2013 known as one of the scariest bridges<\/a> in the country. It was one of many deaths of friends I’ve endured, but this one became a turning point in my life.<\/p>\n

Several years prior, when I was 19, I became\u00a0homeless. This occurred\u00a0rather suddenly and without notice. After this happened, I stayed with\u00a0my friend Mike Q (who died two years before Bryan), but it was only temporary, since Mike lived in his dad\u2019s basement, and his dad was uncomfortable with some kid he didn\u2019t know staying there for more than a few days. (I couldn\u2019t blame him.) I was basically living in my car, while still going to work at a record store and finishing out my second semester at college. One afternoon, I ran into a friend on campus. He said he heard what I was going through and that I should IM his friend Bryan. I IM\u2019d Bryan on a computer in the school library. He offered to let me stay with him until I could save\u00a0up enough money to get my own place, no questions asked. I was incredibly grateful.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t know Bryan well at the time. We both went to the same school in 8th<\/sup> grade, but we had no classes together. However, we were both \u201calternative\u201d \u2013 meaning we dressed rock\/punk\/goth\/raver\/skater\/grunge\/metal\/etc, so we knew of each other. When we were 18, we saw each other at shows of local bands in the Baltimore music scene and made small talk.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t sure why Bryan would risk having someone he didn\u2019t know well stay with him, but I accepted. Someone could ask why I would stay at the place of someone I hardly knew, but it seemed less of a risk to stay with an acquaintance than continue sleeping in my car.<\/p>\n

Bryan and I grew very close. I\u2019m a keyboardist and he\u2019s a guitarist, so we would jam out together. We would talk about philosophy, art, music, and much more. I stayed with him for a few months, until I saved up enough money to live with roommates. We still stayed closely in touch for several years. We would have hours-long phone conversations and would often go to local music shows or dance clubs together. We knew everything going on in each other\u2019s personal lives and the details of who we were dating and how it was going.<\/p>\n

The last couple years of Bryan\u2019s life, I didn\u2019t speak to him or see him. He had moved and his phone number changed. I wasn\u2019t sure what happened to him, but I figured I would bump into him again and we would hang out often again. This had happened a few times before, although the periods were much shorter, but this happens with friends sometimes. I didn\u2019t think it to be a big deal.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Polaroid of Bryan, taken by Jim Lucio<\/a>.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Then I got the phone call that he had died. I was in shock when I found out he took his own life. In the coming days and weeks, I would talk to his other friends and they all said something along the lines of, \u201cWe all knew he was going to kill himself. We just didn\u2019t think it would be so soon. How\u00a0sad.\u201d Why did they mean they all “knew”? Bryan had never mentioned being suicidal at any time. He never even mentioned that he had been previously suicidal. But he had told people he was less close with. I felt angry that he would tell mere acquaintances, but not one of his closest friends. Then I was mad at myself for being mad about that.<\/p>\n

Although I had many friends who died at this point \u2013 some of whom were close friends \u2013 this one was much different. I felt deep pain with all of them, but there was this large weight on my chest. It felt different than anything I\u2019d felt in my life, including severe anxiety and panic attacks. It was this dreadful feeling. I was having nightmares that I was swimming in the Chesapeake Bay, in the spot where Bryan had died. I saw the large waves next to the bridge. It was so vivid and realistic. Other nights, I dreamt I jumped off the bridge myself, and could feel the g-forces. I could not even sleep to escape my pain. My dreams were absolutely terrifying. I started drinking alone. I never previously had a drinking problem, but I was self medicating.\u00a0I intentionally drank for the sole purpose of numbing pain.<\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t make sense of what happened, so I did Google searches on\u00a0why people choose jumping from a bridge as a method of suicide. I ended up watching \u201cThe Bridge<\/a>,\u201d which is a documentary on people who jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. It wasn\u2019t the same bridge and it didn\u2019t have Bryan, but I felt like maybe it would have some answers. It wasn\u2019t an easy film to watch, but I\u2019m glad that I did. I started feeling a little better.<\/p>\n

But then there were the questions about life and death. I have been an atheist since I was about 12 years old, but there were other things I didn\u2019t know. I wasn\u2019t sure whether or not there was an afterlife or ghosts. I didn\u2019t know if dead people were watching over us or helping us out in any way. These were questions I\u2019d thought about a lot before, but never came to an opinion. But now it was bothering me immensely. There was no quick answer. Sure, I could just tell myself whatever I wanted, but I couldn\u2019t fool myself. I needed to truly believe in whatever conclusion I came to. This wasn\u2019t like Googling other questions. I couldn\u2019t get a quick, simple answer.<\/p>\n

Around this same time, an acquaintance kept recommending \u201cThe God Delusion\u201d by Richard Dawkins to me. It took him quite a few times before I bothered to read it. After all, I was already an atheist and already knew religion was bunk. Why on Earth did I need to read it? I finally did and it changed my way of thinking. While much of what Dawkins pointed out were things I already considered, he articulated it in such a clear\u00a0way that it helped me understand my own reasoning better. And he brought up other aspects of religion I hadn\u2019t thought of before. Most importantly, it opened me up to his other work and other skeptical thinkers.<\/p>\n

I watched his documentary \u201cThe Enemies of Reason,\u201d which made me realize homeopathy was bunk. I started watching and reading other thinkers like Penn Jillette and James Randi. I revisited the work of the late Carl Sagan, whom I had watched as a child. I started to understand the process of skeptical thinking. I had a much better idea of how to spot false information. This was a life-changing experience. I began to realize there were scientific reasons for believing in a naturalistic worldview, which meant I no longer believed in the supernatural. This meant there were no ghosts, spirits, or afterlife.<\/p>\n

I ended up mourning the loss of Bryan, Mike Q, and many others all over again. Before I thought I might see them again \u201con the other side\u201d. Now that I no longer believed that, it really hit me that they were dead. I would never see them again. What had been would be it \u2013 forever. But that mourning didn\u2019t last long, maybe only a day or two. While I hadn\u2019t really believed in a literal Heaven or Hell for years, I had previously wondered where in the afterlife they had ended up. Not anymore. I didn\u2019t worry whether or not they were suffering. And I knew that they were still around me, in a sense. The many memories we had and the thoughts we shared still affect me to this day. This is the closest thing we have for living beyond our deaths. The bigger and better the impact we make while we are alive, the longer our thoughts and actions will continue on after we die. This inspired me and invigorated me to make this life \u2013 this one life I\u00a0get \u2013 to really count, because it\u2019s my\u00a0only shot. And besides, even if the truth didn\u2019t make me feel better, it was still reality. That\u2019s better than misbelief.<\/p>\n

The immense pain from Bryan\u2019s death led me to really reexamine my own thoughts. It wasn\u2019t easy. I\u2019m only human, so it\u2019s not always fun at first to realize you are wrong on certain beliefs. But in the long run, it\u2019s quite wonderful. I feel like I really turned this tragic situation into something positive. Obviously, I\u2019m not glad he died, and I\u2019d like to think I would have come to these conclusions at some point. But Bryan\u2019s death was going to greatly affect me, whether I wanted it to or not. I\u2019m glad it turned out to be positive.<\/p>\n

This is why I can understand if Chester killed himself in part because of Chris Cornell. Had Bryan\u2019s death happened at another point in my life, I might have taken my life as well. I have been suicidal countless times in the past. I eventually got treatment. I haven\u2019t felt suicidal in years. But if I weren\u2019t at that place in my life, and Bryan had died the way he did, I wouldn\u2019t have handled it as well. If I had killed myself, it certainly wouldn\u2019t be his fault. It wouldn\u2019t be because I was \u201cinspired\u201d by Bryan to do it. It would be the immense pain of existing depression added in with the deep pain \u2013 that heavy feeling in my chest \u2013 and wanting it to end.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t really say for sure why Chester killed himself. Maybe the date of his death was coincidental. Like Chris, Chester did not leave a suicide note, so there’s a lot we can only make educated guesses about. We do know they were close friends and he has mentioned that he was suicidal in the past. He has spoken about being sexually abused when he was a child by an older man. Since both Chester and Chris suffered from mental health issues, perhaps Chris was the only person Chester felt comfortable talking to about certain issues he was dealing with.\u00a0I know that’s true for me, but I didn’t know Chester or Chris, and can only imagine.<\/p>\n

Part of me also wonders if the life of\u00a0a full-time band is a healthy environment for dealing with mental health issues. This is not to say that no one with mental health issues should tour, but that it might be\u00a0a hindrance for some people at certain stages. The constant traveling and irregular hours can make it hard to get proper treatment. I don\u2019t know what kind of treatment he got, if any, or if he had a doctor who was available by phone. There\u2019s just a lot I don\u2019t know. But it does make me wonder if my band had \u201cmade it\u201d when I was younger, would I have ever taken the time to get the help that I needed? What I do know is that\u00a0it usually isn’t just one cause or a simple explanation. It\u2019s the perfect storm that makes it go from a thought to an action. Whatever that perfect storm was, it happened for Chester, and I am deeply sorry for him, his family, his friends, and his bandmates.<\/p>\n

Many people believe suicide is always selfish. I disagree. While one could argue that there are selfish forms of suicide, such as a suicide bomber, they are extreme cases that aren’t as common. Many people who kill themselves believe the people around them would be better off without them. They are wrong, but mental health problems can make the most logical person believe the irrational.<\/p>\n

Linkin Park’s music – especially the Hybrid Theory and Meteora albums – came out at a time when I really needed it. It has\u00a0helped me and a lot of other people. Chester\u00a0is dead and we will never see him again, but his work\u00a0will continue to live on for years to come.<\/p>\n