The question is: “Do we need religion to comfort someone whose loved one has just died?” Some would say that is what religion is for. \u00a0It provides comfort to the family. \u00a0Perhaps even a sense of hope for the future.<\/p>\n
To me, the ‘comfort’ of a religious response to death is about as condescending as you can get. The religious person is basically saying that the bereaved (what a weird word) isn’t strong enough to handle reality. \u00a0They aren’t capable of dealing with their emotions without the lies and false hope given by the religious.<\/p>\n
And you know what? \u00a0Maybe the people in our modern culture (in general) aren’t capable of handling that. \u00a0They are too used to everything handed to them on a silver platter. \u00a0The most strenuous thing most people do is stand in line for a Black Friday sale on TVs.<\/p>\n
We are told that men never cry and just ride off into the sunset. \u00a0We tell young children to be strong and brave.<\/p>\n
And it’s all wrong.<\/p>\n
Here’s what I would say, as an atheist, to someone who just lost a family member (maybe at a funeral).<\/p>\n
**************************<\/p>\n
It hurts. \u00a0I know it does. \u00a0That pain, like all the pain we have, is telling you that something is wrong. \u00a0We know what’s wrong, but we still hurt.<\/p>\n
Humans need to cry. We cry to release. \u00a0I may be unusual, but I cry with intense emotion. \u00a0Whether it be the death of a loved one or the power and majesty that is our world. \u00a0It helps me feel better. It will feel a little better and be less intense every time you cry. \u00a0The pain won’t go away immediately. \u00a0It shouldn’t, for someone we loved so much. \u00a0Over time, remembering them will bring less pain and more acceptance.<\/p>\n
Your loved one is gone. \u00a0You will never see their smile or hear their laughter again. \u00a0You will never hold hands or hug them again. \u00a0They will never teach you or share their stories again.<\/p>\n
And it’s those things that you will miss. \u00a0You feel such pain because they were such a huge part of your life and now they are gone. \u00a0But are they really gone?<\/p>\n
What are we, but our experiences and our memories. \u00a0Everything that happens only happens once. \u00a0From then on, it’s a memory. \u00a0We laugh every time we think of a young child’s surprise at a birthday party. \u00a0But that only happened once. We remember the good things and we hold them dear to us. We remember the bad things to learn from them.<\/p>\n
Now, we should remember that person. \u00a0They are gone, but their memories live on in us. \u00a0We can share their wisdom, their love, their knowledge. \u00a0In that way, their memory will never die, but be shared throughout time.<\/p>\n
Humans have stories from before writing existed. \u00a0We have knowledge of many people throughout history, whether they had done great things or not. \u00a0Share your stories, especially with the children. \u00a0Share the knowledge and wisdom. \u00a0Don’t forget and don’t let others forget.<\/p>\n
My grandfather died in 2001. \u00a0He was born in 1922. \u00a0He fought in World War II and taught the D-day paratroopers to jump out of planes. \u00a0He watched men learn to fly and go to the moon. \u00a0He had an actual icebox, when the ice man would delivery a large chunk of ice to the house every day and put it in the box with the food. \u00a0He saw the first TVs and was downloading MP3s the year before he died. \u00a0He raised my mom, he raised me, he raised horses and dogs. \u00a0He was a master carpenter.<\/p>\n
The year before he died, he had a mild heart attack and spent a few days in the hospital. \u00a0I went to see him every day. \u00a0The first day, he told me this. \u00a0“I’ve lived a long life. \u00a0I’ve had a good life. \u00a0I love my family. \u00a0I’m proud of my daughter and grandson. \u00a0There is nothing in my life that I wanted to do that I didn’t do. When I die, which will be soon, I will be satisfied with my life.”<\/p>\n
There’s a great deal of wisdom there. Love, satisfaction, and doing what you enjoy.<\/p>\n
None of that made it hurt any less when he died. \u00a0But it doesn’t hurt now. \u00a0I look back and I still get sad, because I miss him. \u00a0And you will look back and still be sad missing your loved one. \u00a0That will never change.<\/p>\n
But that’s great. \u00a0It means that you remember them. \u00a0It means that they were such an influence on your life that you will never forget them. \u00a0And what greater legacy could anyone want than to be remembered, with love, by the people they most cherished in their own life? \u00a0What a impact to say, “They made a difference to me.”<\/p>\n
Look around. \u00a0There’s not a person here who isn’t feeling the same way you are. \u00a0You aren’t alone in your sadness. All these people here are sad too. \u00a0Because, just like you, they loved this person who is gone. \u00a0Talk with them. \u00a0Share stories and memories with them. \u00a0They may have a story you haven’t heard. \u00a0Hug them and tell them that you love them. \u00a0There’s nothing weird or shameful about love or sadness or fear or tears.<\/p>\n
Cry for now. \u00a0Be sad that this amazing person is gone. \u00a0But be happy that they were here for you. \u00a0Be thrilled that they meant so much to you. \u00a0Be so impressed by them that you’re willing to share everything that they were with your own friends and family.<\/p>\n
Because that’s what the whole point of life is. \u00a0To share. \u00a0To teach. \u00a0To learn.<\/p>\n
***************************<\/p>\n
I want this said at my funeral (hopefully many decades away).<\/p>\n
I do believe that death is the end. \u00a0That there isn’t anything beyond that point for us. \u00a0Like an old computer that’s unplugged for the final time, we won’t remember anymore, we won’t create anymore, we won’t do anything anymore except rot.<\/p>\n
But we’re not dead yet. \u00a0There’s a lot to do, a lot to teach, and a heck of a lot to learn. Be someone that people want to remember.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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