While the Onion calls itself “America’s finest news source” tongue in cheek, it has long been my opinion that there is more to the statement than a mere joke. It is not rare to see the Onion speaking the truth, unbound by the political correctness that even comedians are supposed not to stray from. And their take down of the terrorist apologist Noam Chomsky, is not just right on the money, but, while a few years old, is still as accurate as ever.
LEXINGTON, MA—Describing himself as “terribly exhausted,” famed linguist and political dissident Noam Chomsky said Monday that he was taking a break from combating the hegemony of the American imperialist machine to try and take it easy for once.
“I just want to lie in a hammock and have a nice relaxing morning,” said the outspoken anarcho-syndicalist academic, who first came to public attention with his breakthrough 1957 book Syntactic Structures. “The systems of control designed to manufacture consent among a largely ignorant public will still be there for me to worry about tomorrow. Today, I’m just going to kick back and enjoy some much-needed Noam Time.”
Sitting down to a nice oatmeal breakfast, Chomsky picked up a copy of Time, a deceitful, pro-corporate publication that he said would normally infuriate him.
“Yes, this magazine may be nothing more than a subtle media tool intended to obfuscate the government’s violent agenda with comforting bromides, but I’m not going to let that get under my skin,” Chomsky said. “I mean, why should I? It’s absolutely beautiful outside. I should just go and enjoy myself and not think about any of this stuff.”
A word to the good professor: you may want to pick up this issue of the Scientific American!
But of course, Chomsky is not the only one the Onion pokes fun at. His Muslim counterparts in blaming all bad things in the world on the US are as fertile ground for comedians as he is:
Admitting he has “mellowed out a bit” with age, 54-year-old militant jihadist Adil Jalal Kalmati confided to reporters Wednesday that he now finds himself far less enraged by Western culture than he did in his younger days as a religious extremist.
“In my youth, I was pretty quick to fly off the handle at the mere mention of Western clothing, music, food, ideas—anything,” said Kalmati, explaining that once he entered his 50s, he no longer felt the same intense compulsion to savagely beat any man who dared to shave his beard. “Thirty years ago, seeing a woman who wasn’t covered head to toe in a burka would drive me mad. I’d follow her home, find out where she lives, and come back the next day to throw acid in her face. Nowadays, I’m more likely to just shake my head and go on with my day. I don’t blow a gasket like I used to.”
“There comes a point when you realize you can’t just furiously obsess over every little transgression of your literal interpretation of the Prophet’s teachings—otherwise, you’ll just be miserable all the time,” said Kalmati, pointing to past instances in which he “got very heated, admittedly” and dragged men accused of homosexuality into the streets, stripped them naked, and stoned them to death. “Many years ago, I kidnapped and beheaded a journalist with a group of older mujahideen who hardly seemed to take any pleasure in the act at all. I remember thinking, ‘I’ll never be like that.’ But now that I’m their age, I completely get where they were coming from.”
“There comes a point when you realize you can’t just furiously obsess over every little transgression of your literal interpretation of the Prophet’s teachings—otherwise, you’ll just be miserable all the time,” said Kalmati, pointing to past instances in which he “got very heated, admittedly” and dragged men accused of homosexuality into the streets, stripped them naked, and stoned them to death. “Many years ago, I kidnapped and beheaded a journalist with a group of older mujahideen who hardly seemed to take any pleasure in the act at all. I remember thinking, ‘I’ll never be like that.’ But now that I’m their age, I completely get where they were coming from.”
The aging zealot stressed that his desire to cleanse the world of all infidels—even if it means massacring fellow Muslims who aren’t strictly devout or who practice Shi’a Islam—remains as strong as ever. But he noted he is far happier now that his entire emotional state no longer revolves solely around that end.
Of course, both Chomsky and the Muslim extremists he oftentimes sides with are simply too dumb to realize how silly they look to the rest of us.
