Everybody loves hot sex. Okay, maybe not nuns or monks or a few other unusual asexual people, but pretty much everybody. If you’re a guy, be on high alert, because I’m about to share a few tips on how to get it. If you’re a woman, stay tuned because I need constructive feedback on what I’m about to say.
Lately there’s been lots of buzz going on about sexual harassment at atheist meetups. Guys (and occasionally girls) are doing things to get sex that are inappropriate and employing tactics that wind up defeating the goal of having sex because it makes the person being hit on uncomfortable.
I once read a book that said if you want to persuade someone to change, you shouldn’t just tell them “Don’t do this, Never Do that, Stop with the…” You should also take time out to spell the things they should do instead. Nature abhors a vacuum, and so it’s hard to rip out people’s old behavioral patterns without leaving them with a clear idea of what to replace those patterns with.
This old bit of wisdom would be greatly useful to the men and women who have spoken up about harassment at conferences. A related issue to harassment is the come-ons and flirting which, while not quite harassment, certainly qualify as behaviors that are to be avoided because they make women uncomfortable. Case in point, let’s look at one of Cristina Rad’s posts on sexual harassment:
I find flirting to be inappropriate when there is any type of power imbalance (either obvious or implicit) which favors the person making the advances…
Another example…is when someone is trying to collect money for one cause or another, and they’re being hit on by the people they’re supposed to collect money from.
To quote Rebecca here : “Guys? Don’t do that!”. No matter how sexually attracted you are to someone, refrain yourself from making a move if you hold power over them. The kind of power that would make them obliged to be nice to you. The kind of power that would make them fear the consequences of *not* being nice to you. Oh btw ….being physically stronger is also a power imbalance when the other person has no means to escape if they wish to. (e.g. a closed space, like, say, an elevator?)
Though some of this seems to go too far (a man should be able to flirt with a woman on an elevator, just as long as he does not pose a threat to the woman and indicates this, by, for example, staying clear of the woman’s path to the door, keeping a distance of two or three feet, etc.) I think this is sound advice. I suspect that the kinds of guys Cristina discusses (the ones who flirt at inappropriate times, not the ones she talked about who engage in sexual harassment) aren’t criminals, sexists, or at all a cause for fear or outrage. They just want sex (or relationship), and they don’t know the appropriate ways and times to try and for it, and have failed by trying at times or in ways that just aren’t conducive to getting a woman to open up her heart (and/or legs). So, I’d like to issue a positive challenge to all the feminist bloggers out there: write a post and tell us what time is the right time to flirt with you. What is it that makes you comfortable with a guy? I’ll offer some advice of my own:
* Too many guys take the strategy of pursuing a woman until she feels like a rabbit chased by a pack of dogs. If you want to date or lay a woman, keep your intentions concealed (at first, anyway) and try to get her to pursue you instead. That puts the choice in her hands and would probably clear up much of the discomfort women feel. Here’s a concrete example of what I mean: If you see a girl you want to talk to, instead of talking to her specifically, start a conversation with the whole group that she’s with. If she’s interested she’ll start talking to you eventually. It’s also a wickedly powerful pick-up move that I have used before with great success.
* Until you can tell a woman is interested in you, stand back at least a couple of feet and turn your body such that you look like you’re about to walk away (and walk away if you feel she is not interested in talking to you). This takes away a lot of anxiety she might feel (i.e. By looking like you’re about to leave, she won’t worry about how to get rid of you if she doesn’t like).
* Bond with a woman gradually, not suddenly. Example: Don’t hug a girl you met an hour ago unless she explicitly requests it or initiates it. Start by talking to a woman and if she seems to like you you could briefly touch the top of her shoulder during a conversation (it’s a way to create a bond with someone that isn’t too invasive, I think). If she’s fine with that, then later on you can give her a hug, and with a little more time and trust-building you can get her number, then go out with her, then have sex with her.
That’s my advice for now. Until next time, stay rational.