Vatican defrocks HIV-positive Irish priest for using condoms when raping victims

JULY 13, 2011 | ISSUE 47•28 satire

VATICAN CITY — Pope Benedict XVI has approved a request from Irish Cardinal Sean Brady to defrock Rev. Fr. Doyle McVeigh of Ulster.  McVeigh is currently under investigation by the Royal Irish Constabulary on multiple charges of child molestation.  The Irish Catholic church is refusing to cooperate in that case, insisting that it is an internal church matter.

But now, a London Times journalist has leaked RIC documents that McVeigh is HIV-positive and used condoms to avoid infecting his victims.  On condition of anonymity, a Vatican spokesman had this to say:  “The charges against Fr. McVeigh are an invasion of Church polity, but we can not set aside our Catholic principles.  Using condoms is an affront to God and human life.  We are grieved to lose a fine priest, but nothing is higher than God’s wishes.”

The Vatican spokesman continued:  “The Church is deeply compassionate.  Among lay people, condom use is sometimes reluctantly condoned, as when gay prostitutes ply their trade. The pope does not morally justify the disordered exercise of sexuality, but maintains that the use of the condom to diminish the danger of infection may be a first assumption of responsibility, as opposed to not using the condom and exposing the other person to a fatal risk.

However, the moral standard for priests is higher.  Fr. McVeigh’s wish to protect his victims can not eclipse his place in the unbroken apostolic succession from Christ Jesus that the Church has preserved.  For lay people, moral compromises may be struck.  But for Catholic priests, nothing can justify condom use.  Their bond to God is unmoveable.  If it shifts, as it did in Fr. McVeigh’s case, they defrock themselves.  Such acts cause their automatic excommunication.  This is the Catholic perspective — you can’t do evil to bring about good. The end does not justify the means.”