God weeps while Zachary Sandvig, 2, cooks in minivan

“Sometimes I hate this job”.

The Lord of Hosts had a particularly bad day today.  He was constrained by his Goodness to watch as Zachary Sandvig’s body temperature slowly rose to 109 F in the family minivan after his mom forgot to drop him at daycare.

Yahweh’s deepest desire was to intervene, but this would have resulted in a net increase in suffering elsewhere.

“It sucks”, said Jehovah.  “Here I am, feeling every nuance of his suffering and I just sit here.  What’s worse is I’m linked telepathically with his mom as she walks away from the car.  It would take literally zero effort for Me to remind her about Zach.  But if I did that, the world would deviate from maximum perfection.  Shit, even I have a hard time believing this is the best of all possible worlds.  I don’t want to minimize Zachary’s pain, but humans just don’t know what it’s like to be Me.  It’s such a helpless feeling.   I loved that little guy.  Add him to the usual millions who die every day, and it’s just heartbreaking.”

The Everlasting Elohim paused, and appeared lost in thought.

“What good is My great power if I can only act in accordance with My own nature?   On the one hand, I can’t tinker because the universe is already perfect (because that’s all I could have created).  On the other, I’m perfectly compassionate and empathetic so I live with the pain of billions of wretched souls.  Sometimes I wish I had never been uncaused.

But then I remember what makes it all worthwhile.  I was lonely.  Without humanity, I’d still be alone, locked in My own Nature.  Creating billions of sensitive, conscious, vulnerable beings and placing them in a dangerous, competitive environment was the best way I could have arranged things so that those beings could voluntarily choose to love Me.

Still, I feel like such a dick on days like this.  Was My loneliness so bad that innocent kids like Zach have to pay the ultimate price, dying in agony and alone?

Everyone says I’m omnipotent, but I’m in the same prison humans are.  Most people will live short, miserable lives.  Mine is long and miserable.  I have to watch the whole piteous pageant.  The few who enjoy life will live with the knowledge that sudden loss or disease can strike at any time.  I can’t blame the naturalists who think we’re all just matter in motion.  The world with Me in it and the world without Me in it look exactly the same.  Sometimes I doubt My own Goodness.”

Zachary’s mother, Emily Sandvig, a 5th grade teacher in Johnston, Iowa, is in the Polk County jail pending an investigation.